


Attempt #218

by FireGriffin



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: F/F, I didn't revise anything, Why hasn't anyone else written this yet, aren't those just the best fanfics though, but great things will happen along the way, have to do everything myself, nor did I spellcheck, you already know this timeline is doomed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-08 02:31:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13448661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FireGriffin/pseuds/FireGriffin
Summary: Micheal decides to present Tahani as Eleanor's soulmate. It doesn't work out for him, but it does work out for her...





	Attempt #218

-DAY 1-

Eleanor waited. She stared at the obnoxiously large green lettering on the wall, and she waited. Was this purgatory? Surely there was no waiting room in heaven.

A cartoonishly happy man waved her into the next room. “Eleanor, come in. Welcome to the afterlife!”

~

Eleanor craned her neck around to get a better look at the other residents. This was a points system? How the heck had she ended up on the positive side? Better not to ask. Maybe there had been a mistake. Ugh, all those toothy smiles made her sick. She looked back at the welcome video, frowning.

~

Micheal walked by Eleanor’s side, showing her around the house. A sick feeling grew in her gut. I don’t belong here. I hate clown pictures… this house is hideous… and I definitely never travelled to another country, good intentions or not.

“Well!” Micheal clasped his hands together with a grin. “That’s just about everything. Any last questions?”

“Uh…” Eleanor threw out a nervous smile. “Yeah! You said there were soulmates. Who’s mine?”

“I never thought you’d ask!” Micheal opened the front door. A tall, impeccably dressed woman leaned up against the door frame, giving her a look that was so suggestive, Eleanor’s mouth fell open.

“This is your soulmate, Tahani!”

Tahani walked into the room. “Well aren’t you just so cute!”

Eleanor wasn’t sure whether to be offended or not. “Cute?” And hold on, was that a British accent??

Tahani laughed. “Yes, you match the house quite well! It’s so… quaint!”

Eleanor laughed tightly.

Micheal placed a hand on her shoulder. “If you don’t need me for anything else, I’ll leave you two to it!”

Eleanor mock-smiled at him. “Oh, we’ll be fine!”

“Wonderful!” He closed the door behind him.

Tahani took hold of her hands. “We simply must get to know everything about each other!”

“Riiight,” Eleanor replied, wishing there was someone behind Tahani that she could fake-gag to, and laugh about Tahani’s stupid perfect face and stupid accent and snobby little gorgeous outfit… she knew this type of girl. They twisted you around their pinkie finger, and then they laughed about you behind your back. They mocked everything about you, and then they left you, and they never replied to your texts, and you sobbed that night while holding the bra they left behind…. totally not based on a real example, by the way.

Anyway, girls like this were total benches. Platonically and romantically. If she had to spend eternity with a fake, attention-hungry popular girl like this, she would-

“Don’t you agree?” Tahani leaned forward, eyes sparkling.

“Huh? Oh, yeah.” Eleanor nodded along. They were sitting down on one of the Icelandic art sofa things now, and she had no idea how long Tahani had been talking. Hey, at least her voice was easy to tune out!

“And where are you from?”

Every inch of her was exaggerated. The head tilt, the brow furrowed in fascination, the long, silky black hair…

“Phoenix, Arizona. I’ve lived there pretty much my whole life.”

“Ah,” Tahani nodded, looking underwhelmed. “Except for your charity trips, I presume.” She laughed the most practiced, canned laugh she had heard so far, if possible.

Eleanor wondered who this woman’s real soulmate was. Someone who never talked, and just let her keep going and going for eternity about how simply lovely everything was?

“Well, this place is so cozy, but have you seen my house yet? It might be a bit… cavernous for your tastes, but soulmates must know everything about each other! Come!”

Eleanor stood up with her, and took a deep breath. “Do you promise to never do or say anything that would get me in trouble?”

“Why?” Still that ridiculous smile. “Are you secretly a hardened criminal?” She laughed.

“Do you promise?”

Tahani must have sensed the seriousness this time, because she stopped smiling and gazed intensely into her face. “I can’t imagine what’s troubling you, but I swear on every dress Beyonce ever asked me for advice about before wearing that I’ll never betray your trust, soulmate.”

“Great, because I’ve never helped orphans, I hate clowns, and I’m pretty sure I never donated to charity once in my life. They got the name right, but that’s pretty much it.”

Tahani let go of Eleanor’s hands, jaw dropping. “You must tell Micheal!” As if it hadn’t fully hit her the first time, she then leaned backwards, inhaling sharply. “That means you’re not my soulmate! And-“ she gasped again, “you made me swear on everything precious to me that I wouldn’t rat you out! That’s not fair-“

“Listen up sweetheart, you’re not a piece of cake yourself,” Eleanor retorted, raising her voice. “I can’t tell Micheal! He’ll send me down… there!” She pointed downwards.

“Tahani took a step away from her. “I can’t honor my promise for you! You’ll ruin my entire afterlife! And besides, lying-“

“You’d be lying to me if you broke your promise, babe, and honestly, I don’t think you should be the one freaking out right now! I’m the one who-“

“Selfish much!”

“Oooooohhhh,” Eleanor crossed her arms. “Says this bench-“ She paused. “I meant bench. Bench. Bench. Why can’t I say bench?!”

Tahani folded her arms and tilted her nose up. “Maybe if you turn yourself in, you can go to a place where people can say bench, by which I mean the actual word bench, and not your ridiculous, petty curse word. For your information, I have raised billions of dollars for charity, and-“

“I’ve raised billions of dollars for charity,” Eleanor mimicked. “Look. Maybe we’re not real soulmates. But you have to help me. Just… don’t blow my cover. We can pretend I like orphan babies, and eat frozen yogurt in the shade, and make out on picnic blankets or whatever you did back in Britain with your rich friends. I just really hate this house, and I was gonna snap if I went another second with you believing my favorite thing is clown pictures.”

Tahani pursed her lips. After a pause — the longest period of time she had went without speaking since she showed up on Eleanor’s doorstep, by the way — she swallowed. “Okay. Alright. I will agree to keeping your absolutely insane secret, but only for the next twenty four hours. If you actually deserve to be in the good place, here, then I’ll keep your secret till the grave.” She laughed. “Well, no, not till the grave, I meant for eternity. Because we’re already dead, you see…” she stopped laughing. “If you pass my judgement after I’ve gotten to know you, then all is well. But understand, I’m only doing this because I don’t know you, and if you’ve never donated to a single charity in your entire life, I can’t imagine you actually proving to be a good person. If so, then bye bye fake soulmate.”

Eleanor scoffed. “I can’t agree to that!”

“Why? Is it because you’re not a good person?”

“…no! I just… don’t think you’re a good judge! You’re too… …subjective!” She had been about to say benchy, but then thought better of it.

“Oh, perfect!” Tahani clasped her hands together sarcastically. “I know just the person to judge whether you’re good on a subjective scale!”

“No. Not Micheal. Not Micheal. And… not Micheal! I can’t believe I told you! You never stop talking!”

Tahani actually frowned. “Alright, that’s it. There is no way you belong here. Come on. To Micheal.”

Eleanor looked up at the bench, and knew she had no choice but to seduce her into silence.

“Are you sure you judged me so well in five forking minutes, hon?”

“Pardon me?”

Eleanor took a step closer. “I’m freaking the fork out here, so cut me some slack. I’m usually not like this. It’s just… kinda… scary.” With each word, she moved another inch closer, eyes locked with Tahani’s.

“I quite think- I-“ Tahani stuttered when Eleanor stopped, inches away from her lips.

“Five forking minutes. If you’re not satisfied with how good I am, then I’ll throw myself at your mercy. Rat me out. Burn my house down. Do anything to me.”

Tahani’s face hovered within inches of hers. For a second they didn’t move. Then Tahani darted backwards, and that’s when Eleanor struck. She took Tahani’s hand, tugged it to make Tahani lean downwards, and kissed her on the lips.

Tahani pulled backwards, shoving Eleanor away from her. “You… you can’t just…” she licked her upper lip. “Oh shirt. You are good.”

“See?” Eleanor smirked. “Five minutes. You wanna take me up on that offer, babe?”

“I… I don’t know anything about you!” Tahani spluttered.

“False, you know that I hate clowns, and I don’t like Norweigan minimalist decor. I think we’re solid.”

Tahani laughed in spite of herself. “I think I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt… if you don’t drag me down with you in the event of being found out.”

“My lips are sealed if yours are,” Eleanor replied.

Tahani held out a hand. Eleanor shook it. They were in it together. For now.


End file.
